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Below are the 4 most recent journal entries recorded in rokdawg's LiveJournal:

Thursday, December 29th, 2005
12:09 am
open doors to your mind......and hide in your dreams....
when I sit and think of the things that have become and things that could be, and where things are....I sometimes can't help but ask myself, "why me?" ..through the hardships and uncontrollable forces of life....I've come out of things ok....but sometimes the metal beatings are too much, the scars fuck me up....I want to belive that there's always someone else worse off, not to make myself feel better, but to keep in mind that I might've been where that person is at one time, and to keep pushing forward.....I try to think of good things I've done for others....things that might have left a good mark on the soul of somebody who needed it......like my helping to save a life, he would've bled to death and I, along with two others, fought to keep him alive, and did it until he was flown out.....like the time a little girl was crying in a store, and I stayed with her and walked her to the counter and stayed there until her parents came for her....they thanked me non stop....she wondered off and all I could think of was the awful thoughts of the wrong person "helping" her.....how I made several friends, by giving selflessly of myself when they were in need and I was able to give....I never asked for anything in return....but in my time of need....recently....why do I feel so alone?
Friday, December 23rd, 2005
4:17 pm
selfish fuck
recently I found that our well being is something should always come first...by this I mean our health and happiness....

after being sick and being put into the hospital for being over worked, and stress I have really become a firm believer in not killing yourself over things.....and certainly not oever someone else....

today I had a monster blow out with a friend and business associate about a job....he wanted me to do a gig tonight, as well as working with him (contracting me to do work for him) and knowing that I was in need of money he always seems to find things to take advange of....I've seen him do it to others, and I've heard him say, "well I know how to lock 'em in to where they'll have to come to me...." We had talked about my doing a gig tonight for him if the normal person he had couldn't do it....two days ago he said he'd talk to that person.....and then I asked again yesterday....he said he'd have an answer....he never gave me an answer....so I worked 6 hours for him yesterday then did my own gig and got home feeling like my head was going to cave in....I also picked up another steady gig at another place....so my plate's pretty filled up now....He asked me if I was going to work for him tonight, and when I said I couldn't because of how run down I was for over doing it yesterday, he freaked a cow, and started cussing talking down to me and acting like I was the worst fucking person on the planet....and then started talking shit about my health, though I couldn't make out everything he said because he'd walk off cussing and would never stay in one spot to say it to me like a man.....6 years of friendship, we've had one other big blowout....I am not going to kill myself to make him or anybody happy....my health is something that I have just found, that is, in fact, not something that I can just blow off anymore....I wont run myself into the ground or end up in the hospital again because he's going to act like a selfish motherfucker thinking that I should just jump because he wants me to.....he was cussing and bitching and throwing a shit fit, and I looked him and said real calm like, "you know what?...do this your fucking self...."....and I walked out....I think I actually heard him say, "good get the fuck out of here" as I left or something along those lines.....

now, knowing that I had been sick, knowing that his other person might not be able to do it, and seeing how these are his gigs to begin with, shouldn't he have covered his bases instead of freaking out on me or trying to guilt trip me into something? Maybe as a friend took a minute to understand a thing or two?.....who knows...but I saw something in him I'd never seen before....and if he would've been something other than a friend, his ass would've been kicked....
Wednesday, December 14th, 2005
2:42 am

Legs of a calf
head of a man
eyes on the camera
shaking everyone's hands
vultures circle,
and smack their lips

the sky goes black as the lightening rips
the stars are immune
the moon without pitty,
as waves of blood roll over the city
it's not a rehearsal
No special effects....
It's the end of a story,
it's what happens next

and I say
it's coming any second
and I say
in the blink of an eye
and I say
with a bang then a whimper
and I say it's ok if you never say goodbye

song of the child
song of the beast
as it slouches and slithers
it's way from the feast....
I dreamt a dream, what could it mean?
angels in amor devoured the Queen
All the people danced
and tore at their clothes
the skies grew fire
the oceans froze
it wasn't a fable
it was in our hearts
with seventeen devils speaking of jokes

I saw a chapel
land of God
the night it was cold
and the air was so blue....
tilted hound on the microphone,
as the rats kept the rhythm on chicken bones

people wept, torn off their jewls...
entered as soldiers, departing as fools....
it isn't a secentance
it's not a reward
it's a black parachute, with a noose for a cord....

and I say
it's coming any second
and I say
in the blink of an eye
and I say
with a bang and a whimper
and I say
it's ok if you never say goodbye
and I say
it's ok if you never say goodbye
and I say
it's ok if you never say goodbye
Tuesday, December 13th, 2005
12:36 am
demons in the night
still haunt me

I feel like a bag of fucking chaos

I wish they'd go away, fucking leave already

it's not even my pains, but I feel it
they were my pains, but they weren't felt at the time
I was numb
I was blind

now I feel it ten times more
filth all around me
and yet I stand alone
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